"i just had the worst dream. It was this enormous place, without end. And there were just faces all the time, and money, and hard objects. And everywhere, EVERYWHERE, people were hurting, and i couldn't do anything to stop it. And i lived for two decades like this. Talking and listening, but never being seen. And remembering - remembering until the memories were dreams. And dreams past from memory. And love past from dreams. Until i was so lost i didn't know you. And you walked right through me."
i think i haven't been posting because as long as i didn't post, i wouldn't have to deal with this. My grandpa may be dying. Growing up, he's the only family member for whom i felt any admiration. i like him sooo much. And i'm not even there to see him every week anymore, you know? He's only here a little more time and i'm wasting it. i'm missing my chance to be with him. What do i do, world? How can i give away my grandpa?
My grandpa has cancer.
On my way home tonight, a car pulled out in front of me, trailing a looong pillar of purple and white balloons. As the car gained speed, they began to pull apart, and the balloon stampede heeds no man. The road, and consequently my car, were pelted with a multitude of flimsy, bouncing spheres.
Do these things really only happen to me because i notice them?
"for today" is written on a post-it, stuck to a cassette, resting in the tapedeck of my car. i mentioned only yesterday, after my first day of work, how morning radio never plays music.
Tomorrow there will be a new tape. And the next day. And the next day. Every song amazing, every song a love song, because every song is from you.
"Whoa!" exclaims the small orange moon, "I'm glad I'm not you."
"Me too," i reply, not thinking.
i don't believe in a god because i believe in people. Things aren't as bad as they could be, but as of October 1, i have no money, no job, no home, and no girl. If anyone who loves me wants to come out of the wormwood, i have never been in more need.
Does the notion of a wedding rehearsal offend anyone else?
There you are, standing between the dining and living rooms. Did you know that's how i always see you? Between rooms. The first time i hoped it was me. But the time since you stood there between your bedroom and living room has revealed only my error in hope. You will never cross the only important distinction: there to here.
What happened to falling in love? i feel like a dinosaur for even suggesting it. As if love were a quaint historic anecdote.
Why do we give away everything and mean nothing by it? i press my hand to your cheek and you hold it there, making sure i never stop.
We hide under the stairs, you and i, trembling with fear and excitement. We barely touch and are quiet as stars, but surely it will hear the silent screams between us. Surely it will hear your eyes. And then there are the footsteps. Click-click. Muffled at first. Click-Click. i feel your body tense. Click-click. i want you so badly. Where your side meets your jeans, where your neck meets your shoulder. Click-click. You press my hand tighter. i hallucinate without spatial dimensions, am kissing you. Click-click. It is here! Surely it will peer around the corner and find us! Click-click. Surely it will devour us! Click-click. Where is it?! Click-click. Oh my god... Click-click. Click-click. i love you. Click-click. Click-click. Click-click. It has gone! We are here! Click-click. It did not see us hiding! Click-click. Tears flow, and we weep with joy: Time has left us behind!
We unhurriedly fall into a kiss that lasts forever.
i know it's not fashionable to be this hopeful
well laugh away
i didn't think it was possible to be this grateful
anyway
i know it's not sensible to be this passionate
everyday
days go by
i catch myself smile more than you'd ever expect
it's been a long while since it's been okay
to feel this way
it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
Toward the end of last wake, i walked a Santa Monica beach at night, in my socks, and realized i do not exist. i will try to explain, though it's a bit contradictory to do so.
"It was just something I said; it can't be THAT reflective of me."
"He is just a person; he can't mean THAT much to me."
"It's just a computer game; it can't inspire THAT much change."
These are not valid arguments. In fact, the tendency to limit possibility is quite clearly an escape. If not, it would be no trouble to examine each instance, rather than apply pre-made boxes to genres of phenomena.
i'd suggest that the most destructive boxes we form are the ones we use to understand (or escape) others. In limiting the possible extents of their characteristics, we trim the attributes that don't fit our packaging, and discard options for our own growth.
i am the kind of person who frequently falls out of the box. This reality has its advantages. It also has some disadvantages. It means i do not exist, or only partially. No one has ever seen all of me. And so this ideal of a divine shared perspective appears more impossible than ever.
i only seem complicated because you're ignoring pieces. Is my heart so unknowable?
when somebody loved me, everything was beautiful
every hour we spent together lives within my heart
and when she was sad, i was there to dry her tears
and when she was happy, so was i
and i knew that she loved me
The other day i pulled up to a stoplight, and there was a man on the corner, waiting to cross the street to the post office. Suddenly, he felt his pocket, looked back at his car, and a look of anguish crossed his face. A terrible look that said "This is what my life has come down to?". i wanted to pull over and find out what he needed. Probly just some money for stamps. i'd be happy to give him that.
But what if it's something i can't give? What if i embarrass him? What if he thinks less of himself because he needs help from a complete stranger? What if i make him feel foolish by letting him know i know he forgot something? These are the kind of cluttered worries that paralyze my instincts, whenever someone else is involved. Around humans i feel alien and clumsy. How could i know how to help? Better not to mess things up.
And as i left the intersection, i thought about emily, and realized that that was one of the most wonderful things about being with her; she gave me the courage to do Good. Because i knew that even if i did mess things up in the attempt, she would still love me. And for a boy who was never quite good enough, that means the world.
i desperately want to do Good again.
You may say i'm a dreamer, but i really only have two: lasting true love in my life, anarchy beyond it.
There are a lot of misconceptions about anarchy, so let this be your Anarchy 101. Anarchy, as a system of government, does not necessarily refer to chaos. It refers to a lack of laws and law enforcement. However, you must adjust your understanding of freedom before you will be able to appreciate anarchy. In a stable anarchic state, which is theoretically possible, a person would be less free than anyone is now. If it's freedom you seek, you must go back in time and establish yourself as a king, because that's the most freedom anyone has ever had. Every revolution in which the people gain more civil rights, they are also gaining the responsibility of individual self-government. If they fail in this responsibility, you can be sure a new goverment will establish itself.
So why do we need government? The philosopher John Locke wrote that a government must defend the inalienable human rights of "life, liberty, and property". Thomas Jefferson, in drafting the Declaration of Independence, expanded "property" to "the pursuit of happiness". If a people were able to ensure each other these rights, a government (in the legislative sense) would be obsolete. You argue aberrations, "What about people who, for whatever reason, would be unable or unwilling to ensure others these rights?" i answer that i am not convinced such aberrations must exist, but even so, society would conform to them. i answer further that penitentiaries are the indication of a weak population with a poor education. And i cry out in terrific objection to the 1 in 32 U.S. adults either in prison or on parole. This is a country i want to live in?
i realize that humankind has a ridiculously long way to go before being capable of anything near anarchy. i'm a dreamer, not a stupidhead. But, in the meantime, better education (with an emphasis on thought, rather than memory) is a surefire solution to everything. No foolin'. And here's a timely Jefferson anarchism for the road: "A nation that limits freedom in the name of security will have neither."
i wandered Old Pas(adena) tonight, the suburban downtown which is eerily bustling every night of the week. As i walked past Barnes & Noble, trying desperately to recall that ever-elusive variable bookToBuy(Next.Instance.Bookstore), and watching the people in every pane, i noticed two at the end of an aisle. They sat cross-legged in front of different books, holding hands. *le sigh*
There was a time i felt lost being alone, always wanting to share my ice cream or the stars or everything. These days, i just feel mildly sad that when i pass a pedestrian barrier called "Mr. Barricade", and break instantly into "thank you very much, O Mr. Bar-RI-cade", there's no one there to hear it.
"Umm.. everyone? There's no need for alarm, but there's been a bit of an accident. Due to an unfortunate oversight, our ring-bearer has drowned. So... we need a favor. The reason we asked that you not bring gifts today is not because we don't desperately need them, but because we really just wanted your love. In a few moments, my stunning bride and i will give the furthest member of each side our ring for the other. You must all help in getting them back to us at the bridge, where we will be valiantly waiting to meet. Thank you all."
So both of my housemates have girlfriends who sleep here. Dave "the Fonz" Marcus is bringing back a girl from Germany to live with! He's the commitment-avoiding bachelor! i'm the passionate romantic! Why is the universe so broken?
Yes, in my less peer-pressured moments, i am glad of my perspective. i think of intimacy as geography. When i lived in Virginia, it was my home. It meant something. Now that i've moved to California, i don't think "home" carries the same meaning. The notion of a specific location associated with me has faded. And, based on the people i know, the more you move, the less geography is able to hold any bearing. This is similar to what i see in people who run through sex and relationships. The meaning of intimacy doesn't carry from relationship to relationship, it just sort of dissipates. And that's fine for what they want; i have different priorities.
Still. i don't see why it has to take so long. Yes i do; girls hide. Still. i don't see why girls hide. Yes i do; they avoid complication. Still. i don't see why they avoid complication when they end up in convenient, unfulfilling relationships which turn into mediocre, unhappy marriages which produce unhealthy environments for troubled children, and they go to sleep lonely wondering why they didn't do the slightly more complicated thing and get to know the guy who might've actually known their heart and would've both challenged and cherished them. Still. i want to discover you.
all the times i've tasted love
never knew quite what i had
little darling, if you hear me now
never needed you so bad
spinning round inside my head
sail away with me, honey
i put my heart in your hands
sail away with me, honey
now, now, now
sail away with me
and what will be will be
i wanna hold you
now, now, now
Why does waking up cold feel so sticky? How did i get to sleep? "Hey, lady... lady... Good morning, Starshine. It's time." You dress rhythmically, i flailing wildly. "Wow. i don't think i can take you with me," i say, emerging from a sweater. "And whyever not?" you ask, humoring me, while you tousle my hair even more. "Thanks. i can't take you 'cause you'll melt all the - Damn it!" i had struggled into a boot before remembering my snowpants. "Why is everything so unnecessarily complicated?!" My exasperation catches your feline stretch mid-yawn, and you quake as if tickled - which doesn't seem like such a bad idea. But your smile dawns on me, and your laughter empties my thoughts. "All right, come on," you say, reaching for my prematurely booted foot. i lean back and raise my leg. The struggle ensues, and then i fall back and sigh. i'm not sure how, but you're suddenly on top of me. Your hair falls all around my face, the light indescribable. "Hello," i say, politely. "Hi," you return innocently. "i am not doing this again." "Shucks."
Outside isn't nearly as cold as i thought it'd be. Then i realize the exposed parts of my face are already numb. The snow is well-travelled and mucky. This isn't quite how i pictured it, but you grab my hand tight, look at me, and smile. i am ecstatic. i look around, and begin to see this collection of wooden structures as a real town - when you gasp. i look at you, follow your eyes. And there they are. Though they isn't the right word. We. We came home unexpectedly to find the universe dancing. i blush and look away. You're confused and take my hand again, though i didn't know we had stopped. i see your eyes and must look back. This is it. Your hair with light, this luminous thread of sky. Where is anything else?